


For Better and For Worse

by phdmama



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: #louis gets really hurt, #major trauma, #some of it's happy crying though, #switch between past and present, #there's a lot of crying, #there's some self-indulgent fluff too, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 04:04:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7344037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phdmama/pseuds/phdmama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the HL Summer Exchange - @Waterproofbabyvamp, I hope I did justice to your prompt!! (Based on the prompt: "1.Harry and Louis have been together for 5 years and they've been getting questions when they would be getting married and start a family. Bur harry doesnt have the time. They were arguing one morning when Harry had enough and left for work. He's a doctor and works at the a&e there is a call that there has been a bad car crash and that there is more than one patient coming in. Harry does his job good and works on the first patient and everything goes great until his next patient is Louis.")</p><p>All standard disclaimers apply - I own nothing, this is entirely a work of fiction, etc. etc. I'm pretty sure Harvard doesn't have a PA or an LMHC program, but hey, creative license! I am also not a medical person, so if I got medical stuff wrong, sorry! In fact, just generally speaking - all the mistakes are mine. </p><p>Special thanks to @spotofpurple for the editing, encouragement and support!</p><p>Come and see me on <a href="http://phd-mama.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a>!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Better and For Worse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Waterproofbabyvamp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waterproofbabyvamp/gifts).



**** **Present Day**

Harry slams shut the door to his locker in the PA’s locker room at Mass General. He pulls on the shirt of his scrubs, and runs an impatient hand through his hair, still seething from the fight with Louis. They don’t fight often, but on the rare occasion when one of them finally does lose their temper, well. Harry tries to remember the last time they’d had such a blowout. He thinks it might have been a couple of years ago, when they were moving into the condo and Louis was absolutely convinced that the living room needed to be orange. _Orange!_ Harry shakes his head at the memory. That one had involved a fair amount of screaming after Harry had come home from work one day and discovered orange swatches painted on the walls. It had taken three nights of Harry sleeping on the couch before Louis had woken him at 2 in the morning, draping himself over Harry and tucking his head into Harry’s neck, mumbling, “Okay, you’re right, orange is shite, we can do the blue you liked.”

This time, however, has been different, and if Harry is being honest with himself, he has to acknowledge that it’s been building for a while, Louis has been getting angrier and angrier at the extra shifts Harry has been pulling. _If only he knew,_ Harry thinks to himself, _it’s all for him._ At first Louis had jokingly confronted Harry on his absence, but over the past several months, the jokes had turned biting and sarcastic, and then he’d gone quiet. Harry admits to himself that he’d been relieved, thinking Louis had understood, had believed him when Harry had put him off yet again with vague promises that things would be better soon, that they were just short-staffed and working on hiring. While Harry makes good money, Somerville isn’t a cheap place to live, and he’d wanted to build up a bit more of a nest egg for…well, Harry had hoped, but now he wasn’t so sure.

This fight, confrontation, whatever you would call it, has been different. When Harry had mentioned that morning before heading out that he’d pulled an extra 18 for Saturday, Louis had just started at him, speechless, before shaking his head and walking out of the kitchen to drop heavily onto the couch.

“Louis, I’m sorry, it’s just—“

“Harry, just..don’t, okay? I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

Harry had felt his temper rise at that. “I keep telling you, it’s going to change. I know they’re intervie—“

“HARRY.” Louis had raised his voice and Harry had stopped speaking. They had stared at each other, and in the silence, Harry had felt his stomach twist and as Louis opened his mouth to speak, felt a sudden impulse to beg his boyfriend to keep still.

“I just don’t know anymore, Harry. It seems like you just work and work, we hardly see each other, we barely have sex anymore. I know we’re still young, but I thought we were on the same page, that we both wanted this - to be married, and start our family young.” He’d looked sad and almost defeated. “You keep taking these extra shifts, Harry. I’d almost wonder what you were doing, but you smell like the hospital, and you’re so tired.”

Harry had blown up at that, screaming at Louis that he wasn’t a FUCKING CHEATER. He didn’t want to tell Louis that the reason he’d been working all those extra shifts was to pay for the engagement ring currently hidden in his sock drawer, a place he knew Louis would never go, and the trip to San Francisco and Napa Valley that he’d been planning, a place Louis had always dreamed of going. On one of their first dates, he talked about how he’d never been father west than Chicago, and how he’d read about how beautiful Northern California was, and how it was on his list of “must have” life experiences.

Harry remembers the heavy silence that had followed his shout, and the way he’d grabbed his backpack and said tersely, “I can’t talk about this right now. I have to get…”

“To work, I know.” Louis had said. Harry had turned to look at him as he walked out, but Louis had turned away, huddled on the couch with his arms wrapped around himself.

Harry shrugs away his unease. He is here for an 18-hour shift, and he needs to be focused on the work of the ER, not distracted. He would go home, and after he’d gotten some sleep, he and Louis would talk it over, and they’d be okay,  he knows it. He pauses before walking out the door, and sends Louis a quick text. 

 

> **I’m sorry, baby. I love you, you know I do. Nothing’s changed. Talk when I’m back?**

He waits as he sees the three dots appear, and then feels his stomach clench as they disappear. No text from Louis comes through.

Harry loves working at Mass General. After meeting Louis when they were both graduate students at Harvard, Harry in the Physician’s Assistant program and Louis in the LMHC masters program, he can’t remember a time he’s been happier. He loves the energy of the ER, knowing he is helping people through some of the hardest points of their lives, knowing he is *making a difference* thrills him. When he’d landed the position at MGH, he’d know the hours would be tough, but Louis had supported him 100%. He has been promised that after a few years, he’ll be high enough in seniority to have a more normal work schedule. Of course, working in healthcare, he’s known he would always have some weekend and holiday shifts, but the craziness of these 18 hour shifts will come to an end, and his schedule will be a closer match to Louis’s. 

6 hours into his shift, Harry tries to distract himself from the uneasiness he is feeling from the fact that Louis hasn’t texted back. When he hasn’t heard back after an hour or two, he figures that it might be a while, since Louis was going to work, but now that Louis’s lunch break has come and gone, he is starting to get really worried. He’s never heard Louis sound so resigned, and his gut is telling him that things are worse than he’d thought. He pulls out his phone once more to check, but there is nothing new to be seen. Shoving the phone back into his pocket, he looks around at the cafeteria’s offerings, trying to decide what he wants to eat. Not that much here is good, of course, but he’s hungry and hasn’t packed himself his usual lunch in his anger and haste to leave.

Finally grabbing a sandwich, a banana and some coffee, he sets his tray down next to Niall’s, nudging the blonde as he slides into the uncomfortable plastic chair.

“Haz!” Niall greets him cheerfully over his plate of pizza and fries, “Don’t usually see you here! Didja forget your quinoa?”

In spite of the pit in his stomach, Harry feels his face stretch into a grin. He’d met Niall 3 years ago when they’d both been hired as new PAs. They’d bonded over the anxiety of actually being out there doing the real work, and it’d only taken a few shifts together for them to establish a connection that seemed to border on telepathy at times. Niall is one of the few people that Harry can spend 18 hours with on shift, and then meet up with for drinks an hour later. His smile is infectious and his laughter at Harry’s jokes makes Harry feel smarter and funnier than he knows himself to be. Thankfully, Louis and Niall have hit it off as well, with Louis adopting Niall as the younger brother he’d longed for.

“Nah, just didn’t get around to making a lunch today.” At that, Niall raises an eyebrow. Harry shrugs, “Actually, I kinda wanted to talk to you about it, Louis and I had a…”

At that moment, the sound system alerts with the code for “Everyone get back to the ER RIGHT FUCKING NOW” and in the chaos that ensues, Harry’s words are lost.

“All ER staff report to the ambulance bay immediately. MVA with multiple victims. All ER personnel required. Repeat…”   Harry sighs as he and Niall dump their trays and run for the ER, seeing several of his colleagues doing the same thing. No lunch for him today, it seems.

Harry skids to halt just outside the doors leading back into the ER in the ambulance bay, and assesses the situation. There are 3 ambulances unloading in a flurry of movement and noise, and he wonders where to start. Michael, one of the MDs, catches his eye and calls him over with a wave.

“What’s the 411?” Harry asks, as he jogs over.

“S’ugly,” Michael replies. “Bus driver had a heart attack at the wheel over on Park Street across the Common from the State House, took out a bunch of cars and then hit one of those sidewalk cafes.”

Harry sucks in his breath. On a gorgeous September day like today, and especially in that area of town, a popular tourist destination, it was sure to have been crowded. Michael’s assessment of “ugly” is an understatement, to say the least.

“Are we getting them all?”

Michael continues working on the patient, an older woman who is unconscious, but breathing on her own. “Nah, I think we’re getting 12? 14? Something like that, the rest are going to Tufts. They’ve got EMTs on the ground too, so a bunch are being treated at the scene.” 

Harry nods. That many patients would definitely stretch them, but nothing they couldn’t handle. He’d been on shift during the Marathon bombing, and never, ever wanted to see anything like that again. This, however, is going to be bad enough.

He races back into the ER with Michael, and loses himself in the frenzy. As a PA in the ER, Harry knows he is there to provide frontline care for the lower risk patients, and to be an extra set of hands for the MDs during a crisis. During his years in the ER, Harry has learned, you have to focus only on the patient right in front of you. He’s learned to tune out chaos around him, so effectively that even at home, it often takes Louis’s gentle hand on his shoulder to bring him back to the present moment when he gets lost in whatever he is doing.

Harry checks in with the nurses, who hand him a clipboard. “Oh thank god you’re on, Harry,” says Sandra, the on-duty nurse manager. “We’ve got everyone who’s stable in the hallways, can you check in with them, make sure we’ve got the correct names, see if anyone needs pain meds?”

“Of course.”

She continues grimly, “We’ve got three in bad shape, direct impact from the bus.” She shakes her head. “Poor bastards, just out for lunch on a gorgeous day.” Her eyes meet Harry’s and he knows she is remembering that Marathon Monday. Without speaking, he grabs her hand and squeezes it for a moment.

Harry finds himself moving from gurney to gurney. He checks IDs, assesses pain levels, and tries to offer what comfort he can. As he passes one of the curtained-off bays, though, he hears the sudden drop of the monitor from heart beat to flatline, and a doctor yells “SHIT, we’re losing him!”

Harry dashes into the bay, glancing at the monitors, not even sparing a glance to the patient as the doctor grabs the paddles, and yells, “CLEAR.” All the staff step back, and the paddles go down. Eyes still on the monitor, Harry moves to the doctor’s side. Like everyone who loves ER work, he thrives on the adrenaline, and often feels his most centered, most *alive* at crisis moments. 

“CLEAR!” The paddles drop again, there is a blip in the flat line, and then Harry glances down at the patient.

He stares, his mind having trouble processing what his eyes are telling him, as he looks at the small figure on the bed.

“Oh my god,” he whispers, the clipboard he is holding dropping out of his fingers, “Oh my God, Louis.”

 

**5 Years Earlier**

“Shit!” Harry ran a hand through his hair as he raced across the central quad at Harvard University. The morning had been a serious of small disasters, from his alarm somehow not going off to dropping his toast butter-side down, to ridiculous traffic leading to him now being 10 minutes late for his Disease and Therapy lecture. He wasn’t particularly worried about being late - it was a huge lecture class, typical for the physician’s assistant program - he just really liked the topic and hated to miss a moment of it. _Especially given how much I’m paying per class_ he thought grumpily as he hurtled across the open area. 

So focused on his own thoughts, he didn’t see the man in front of him who was managing also to be moving forward at high speed while frowning into a set of notecards. By the time he noticed, it was too late. The two bodies collided, books and limbs flying everywhere, and both men tumbled to the ground.

“Jesus!” cried the other man in stunned surprise.

Harry lay on the ground, stunned into silence for a moment. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! I was late for class and by the time I realized that you were, err, not watching, it was too late!” He sat up and patted himself experimentally, taking a deep breath. He turned to look at the other man and his heart stuttered at the sight of eyes the color of the caribbean ocean looking at back at him out of one of the most attractive faces he’d ever seen. “Umm…oh.”

The man still looked slightly dazed, whether from the collision or Harry’s outburst, it was unclear. He shook his head and said, “I think your backpack may have broken my foot, man.” 

Harry’s eyes widened in horror as the man continued, “You must be like an engineering student or something, with those textbooks.”

Harry reached over and grabbed the man’s foot and began feeling it carefully as he said distractedly, “PA student, actually. Does this hurt?”

“Yes!” the man yelped and Harry quickly lowered his foot, and bid a mournful thought to his lecture.

“Err, well, there’s something wrong, of course, because it hurts. I’m betting you need an x-ray. C’mon, I’ll take you over to the Health Center.” Harry thanked god for small mercies that they were actually not too far from that building. 

Louis (it turned out the beautiful man’s name was Louis) was as lovely on the inside as he was outside. By the time they’d gotten the x-ray results (hairline fracture in the metatarsal), Harry was smitten, and by the time they’d left the clinic with Louis in a walking boot, Harry was looking hopefully forward to a new future, bright and clear.

Harry had offered to treat Louis to a frappe in the Square. “It’s the least I could do,” he said casually, his heart hammering _please say yes please say yes_ , “after I broke you and all.” 

Louis was in the Masters in Counseling program, and Harry listened, mesmerized, as Louis described his desire to help others. “It’s a long process, of course. I’m just finishing my first year. Next year, I have coursework and an internship, and then after I graduate, I have to work for about 2 years to get my hours to get licensed, it’s crazy. It’ll be worth it though. I want to help LGTBQ kids. Did you know that something like 40% of homeless kids are LGBTQ, Harry? It’s terrible, the things these kids go through.” He’d paused for a moment, his eyes darkening, “I just, I want to make a difference, you know?”  Harry had only been able to nod, impressed.

“What about you? You said PA student? What’s that?”

Harry found himself describing his fascination with the human body, and, to be honest, the adrenaline rush of being on the front lines. “After college, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do, so my friend Liam and I became EMTs.” Louis’s eyes had widened at that. “Yeah, that’s amazing work, you know? We did it for a couple of years, and it got me really hooked. But I didn’t really want to got to med school, and the PA program seemed like a good fit…so here I am.”

“What do you think you’ll do with it?”

Harry shrugged. “I’d love to be in an ER somewhere, but those are really hard jobs to get. I’m just finishing my first year too, so I’ve got another year to think about it. PA students usually take the summer after graduating to study and take our Comps, before you can even really start applying.”

From there, milkshakes turned into dinner and discussions about their histories, where they’d come from, their families, “six siblings, Lou, that’s amazing! It must have been chaos!” It turned out they both lived in Somerville, off the same stop on the Red Line. Harry had insisted on walking Louis to his door, even though they should have gone in opposite directions when they left the T station. As they paused on the walkway to Louis’s triple-decker building, Harry said, “I know it’s not the most auspicious beginning, but today was amazing, Louis, and I…I’d really like to see you again.”

When Louis had simply smiled up at him, Harry had felt his heart expand in his chest.

And that was how it began.

 

**Present Day**

Sandra, standing next to the MD, starts at the sound of the clipboard hitting the tiled floor. She stares at Harry in confusion.

“That’s…that’s my…oh my god, that’s my Louis.” Harry’s voice breaks as a terrible understanding crosses her face. Without looking away from the monitor, the doctor yells, “CLEAR” and brings the paddles down again.

Sandra grabs Harry’s arm, and starts pulling him from the bay. “Harry, oh my god, I didn’t even recognize him. You can’t be in here, sweetie, you know that.”

Even in his panic, Harry knows this is true, knows that medical professionals can’t treat their own family, and although every bone in his body is screaming to stay, to help, to do anything to make this not be happening, he allows himself to be pulled from the room. Sandra shouts to another nurse to take her place, and pushes him towards the nearby waiting area. 

Harry grabs her hand as she starts to move away from him. “Sands, you have to be in there, you’ll take care of him, please. Please take care of him.”Without saying a word, she nods and heads back to the bay at run, as Harry collapses onto the unforgiving chair and, dropping his head into his hands, whispers, “Don’t let him die, Sands, don’t let him die. Please.”

 

**5 Years Ago**

Harry felt like electricity was running through his veins, and all of his sense were clouded with this gorgeous, amazing, interesting man. After their slightly inauspicious meeting, Harry and Louis had been in almost constant contact, texting and calling each other, but hadn’t been able to make the schedules mesh to “hang out” until now, two weeks later. It was a Saturday night, one of those crisp, Fall evenings where the leaves crunched under their feet as they walked the narrow sidewalks down towards Harry’s apartment. Both Harry and Louis were delightfully tipsy, as they’d had dinner at Redbones in Davis Square, and then headed downstairs to the bar for another drink, which had turned into 3, which had turned into Louis palming Harry half-way to hard under the table, which had led to Harry tossing some money at the amused bartender as he grabbed Louis’s arms and pulled him up the stairs and out into the cool October night. 

They stumbled down the sidewalk, Harry’s arm wrapped around Louis’s shoulder as he attempted both to navigate them somewhere, anywhere private, and to kiss Louis at the same time. Louis burst out laughing.

“Yours is closer, yeah?”

Harry nodded, taking in the glorious sight of a flustered Louis, hair already in disarray, flush rising on his cheeks. “Yeah, yeah.”

“So, let’s go there.” Louis set off at a brisk walk.

“Uh, Louis?”

“My place? It’s down that way.” Harry pointed in the opposite direction, and grabbed Louis’ hand, laughing as the smaller man grumbled, “S’not my fault you kissed me ’til I couldn’t even see straight, Harry!”

 

**Present Day**

Afterwards, Harry can never remember how long he sits in that awful uncomfortable chair. Long enough that the TV programming changes from home decorating and decluttering shows to the evening news. The bus accident is the headline, of course, even taking precedence over the UK Brexit vote. Harry can’t quite find it in himself to snort at that, everyone knows that Boston cares first and foremost about Boston, and the rest of the world can go fuck itself. At one point, Sandy comes out, squeezes his shoulder and says, “He’s alive, Harry.” Harry doesn’t ask, but he can see in her eyes how close it was. He knows if he opens his mouth to ask, he just may start screaming and never stop. 

He stays where he is when Mark, the MD comes out and sits next to him. He hears words about “Blood pressure” and “stabilized” and “next in line for surgery.” He stares into space as Mark pats him gently and then stands up with a sigh. “We’ll come get you when it’s time to go up to the OR, Harry, okay? We’re doing our best for him, he’s a fighter.”

Harry just sits. He knows those words, how hollow they are. He’s said them himself, more than once, to offer desperate families any measure of hope that he can. Now, he wonders, had he just been cruel. What if there is no hope?

A bit later, Niall comes out flying out and sits next to him. He doesn’t say a word, just pulls Harry into a tight hug. After a moment, Harry draws back.

“We had a fight this morning, Ni.” Niall closes his eyes for a moment, as pain crosses his face. “Like, a bad one. Not even screaming, just…quiet.” Niall stays silent, his eyes fixed on Harry’s. “What if…” Harry’s voice cracks, and he bites hard on his thumb, trying to maintain control, “What if he dies, Ni? What if the last words I ever said to him were ‘I can’t talk about this right now, I have to get to work.’” Harry chokes on bitter laughter, “to fucking *work*, Niall.” And with that, he breaks.

As his face crumples, and sobs heave out of him, Niall pulls him back into his tight embrace. “I dunno, Haz. I know it was touch and go, but they got him stabilized, he’s heading up to the OR in about 10 minutes. Harry, his leg. It’s…bad.” Harry freezes in horror.

All of a sudden, there is a flurry of movement, and Harry finds himself surrounded by strong arms as Liam and Zayn race in. 

“Jesus, Harry,” breathes Liam as he wraps his arms around Harry, who struggles not to let the sobs overwhelm him, trying to process what Niall had just said. The two men turn to Niall, who just gives them a quick nod as he updates them, “Lou’s alive, he’s going to surgery. He lost a lot of blood, Harry, but he’s stable now. But…Jesus, Harry.” Niall runs a hand through his blonde hair and then steels himself to say, “They think he’s gonna lose the leg, Harry. He took…” Niall chokes for a moment, “He was directly in line, Haz.”

Harry closes his eyes briefly against the imagined horror, and then grasps the lifeline Niall has offered. “But, he’s alive. He’s alive.” He takes a deep breath, his mind racing. 

“Yeah, he is. C’mon, I’m off the clock now.” 

At that Harry starts, “Oh my god, I just…I walked off in the middle of my…”  
  
“STOP.” Niall barks. “Harry, everyone knows. Don’t even think about it. Let’s just get you upstairs, okay? It’s more comfortable than this godforsaken wasteland.”

The four men rise as one, and Niall steers them out of the waiting room and down the hallway to the elevators that would take them to the OR floor.

 

**4 Years Earlier**

Harry quietly shut the door to their apartment behind him, grinning to himself at the thought, as he moved into the kitchen. _Their apartment_. They’d signed the lease on the two-bedroom and finally moved in on what seemed to be Boston’s universal move date, September 1st, just around the corner from Harry’s old apartment. He heard Louis’s voice from the bedroom, and smiled. He’d assumed Louis would be fast asleep, given that he’d been up early for orientation at his internship. 

“Hey, babe, how was dinner?”

“Oh man, it was so good!” Harry walked into the bedroom. He’d had been out with Liam and his new boyfriend Zayn. “I had the Mantuk, remember, you had that last time?” He groaned in remembrance of the onion and beef pastry dish that [Helmand](http://www.helmandrestaurantcambridge.com/) was renown for. 

“Any leftovers?” Louis asked casually, and Harry smirked. “Nope, not a bit, sorry!”

“Damnit, Harry! You know I wanted that for lunch tomorrow!”

Harry relented. “I got you take-out babe, I already put it in the fridge, you’re all set for tomorrow.” 

Louis grinned, and cooed exaggeratedly, “You are just too good to me, Harry Styles.”

Harry dropped his bag onto the floor, and kicked off his boots. Eying his boyfriend, he started to pull off his clothes, dropping them into their laundry basket. Even thinking about the shared chore of laundry made his heart thrill. _You are such a sap_ he acknowledged silently. “I’m gonna get ready for bed.” As he started to head to the bathroom, he saw Louis stretch out of the corner of his eye, and before he thought it through, he swerved over to the bed, and interestedly ran his hand over Louis’s exposed belly.

“Hey!” Louis rolled away laughing, “that tickles!”

Harry ran his hand down Louis’s back and over the curve of his bum, and gave an small hum of approval as Louis glanced over his shoulder and quirked one eyebrow. “Did you have red wine, baby? I know that always puts you in the mood.” His voice squeaked as Harry squeezed his bum, and traced one finger down between his cheeks, pressing the soft fabric of his boxer briefs into the crack. 

“Huh? No! I don’t need wine to want you!”

Louis rolled back over towards him, and laughed, that genuine cackle that crinkled up his eyes, “Yeah, baby, the color of your teeth suggest otherwise.”

“Well, okay, you may be right,” Harry acknowledged.

He leaned in and kissed Louis, inhaling the taste of toothpaste as he deepened the kiss. He pulled back a bit, resting his hand on Louis’s hip. For a moment, they just gazed at each other, Harry’s thumb rubbing circles into the soft flesh. Louis pulled off his boxers with a swift movement, kicking them on to the floor. He flopped backwards, and opened his arms to pull Harry in for another kiss. 

“I just took a melatonin, so you’ve got about 20 minutes to get this done, big guy,” he whispered against Harry’s mouth. Harry could feel his smile, and felt his own mouth curve into a grin in response. “You think you can make it happen?”

Harry made it happen.

 

**Present Day**  

As they get off the elevator, Harry sees a group moving quickly with a gurney down to where he knows the different operating theaters to be. As he starts to race after them, a grey-haired nurse he is unfamiliar with stops him. 

“Sir, sir. You can’t go down…” her voice trails off as she takes in his scrubs and ravaged face, and she makes the obvious connection. She’s clearly already been briefed, this one is special, this one is one of their own. “Oh, you’re Harry.” She pulls him back as he would have raced after the gurney, where he can see Louis’s small frame, his beautiful face so still, so unlike him. “Harry, you can’t go back there, you know that. He’s got the best team with him, I wouldn’t lie. He’s got Dr. Eckles going in, she’s a total dick but a genius with the knife. C’mon, you can come sit in the waiting room, I’ll get you some tea. I think…” her voice trails off as Harry stares at her helplessly, and her voice softens. “It’s going to be a long night, Harry.”She takes in the men standing shoulder to shoulder behind him, and then nods down the hall in the opposite direction. “C’mon boys, let’s get you settled.”

 

**Three Years Ago**

“Louis!” Harry’s voice choked at in laughter at the man currently draped over his shoulders, running his hands up and down Harry’s chest, making it very hard to focus on the task at hand, not to mention the tequila shots were making him a bit confused. The sound of the thunderstorm outside wasn’t helping, and both men were dripping wet. “I’m trying to…” his voice trailed off in a gasp as Louis ran his hands lower down Harry’s front. “Jesus,” he hissed, jamming the key to their apartment in the general direction of the lock, “C’mon, Lou, you gotta…” he felt himself start to harden in his jeans as Louis’s hand slipped lower, and he mumbled into Harry’s ear, “C’mon, c’mon, get the door open, Haz, jesus, want you…You look so good in those jeans, how’d I get so lucky?”

Harry finally got the door open, thankful that their neighbors weren’t going to catch them in a compromising position in the hallway _again_ and they stumbled into the hallway. He turned to Louis with an exaggerated leer, “well, I think you’re about to get a whole lot luckier!” 

Louis launched himself at Harry, and their mouths met in a searing kiss as Louis pressed Harry back up against the door. Harry heard a crash as he chucked his keys at the little telephone table, and figured he’d find them later. His eyes closed and his head thunked back against the door as Louis attached himself to Harry’s neck, muttering, “You’re so fucking hot, it’s a crime, Styles, those jeans,” Louis’s hands snaked around to Harry’s bum, hot and possessive, “should be illegal.”

Harry opened his eyes and was confused, because he couldn’t see a thing. He blinked experimentally. Nope, nothing. Pitch dark. His tequila-addled brain attempted to process what was going on, and failed, miserably. Louis kept kissing him for a moment, and then seemed to notice that Harry had stilled, and pulled back. Harry felt him stiffen, and then he said softly, “Uh, Harry? It’s dark?”

Harry exhaled in relief, “Oh thank god, I thought maybe all that tequila had made me go blind!”

Louis burst out laughing, and pressed his face into Harry’s shoulder, kissing him softly. “You are such a goof. Power must have gone out.” HIs mouth moved slowly over Harry’s shoulder to his jawline and he began nibbling carefully up towards Harry’s ear. “Oh no. Whatever shall we do? No power? No lights? Can’t read, can’t watch t.v…”He rubbed suggestively against Harry, who started backing him down the hallway.

“Oh well,” Harry said sadly, running his hands over Louis’s curves as he pushed him into the bedroom and down onto their king-sized bed. Without the streetlights, the room was cast in deep darkness, and he could barely see the gleam of Louis’s eyes, as Harry pulled off his own shirt, and yanked Louis’s off as well, tossing them both in the direction of the laundry basket. He began kissing his way down Louis’s torso, feeling his breath speed up as it always did when Harry was about to blow him. “I guess we’ll just have to give up and go to sleep.” He rolled away suddenly, grinning in the dark at Louis’s curse.

He snickered again when Louis said, “Yeah, guess so, I mean, it’s soooo dark, I’m not sure you even know what you’re doing.”

Harry rolled back on top of Louis, pressing his hips down in a filthy grind that had Louis gasping and thrusting back up against him, suddenly dizzy with love and longing for this boy under him. “Actually, you’re in luck, baby.” He moved confidently down Louis’s body, peeling his jeans off as he went. “I’m a trained medical professional. I’ll take care of you.”

As he pulled the head of Louis’s cock into his mouth and _sucked,_ he heard Louis moan deeply above him, and then whisper, “You always do, baby. You always do.”

 

**Present Day**

Time passes, as it always does, and Harry feels numb. At one point, he suddenly curses and says, “SHIT.”

The other boys startle in confusion, and Harry continues, “I have to…oh god, I have to call Jay. And my mom.” He stares at his friends with a broken expression, “How am I gonna tell her?”Zayn pulls Harry into a quick hug and then says, “Let me do this for you, babe. Let me call her. They’re in Maine, right? S’gonna take them some time to get here, I’ll call her right now.”

Harry shudders, and then gives in, so thankful for the support of these boys. He hands his phone to Zayn, who carefully walks out of the waiting area. Harry can see him holding the phone to his ear, and starting to talk. He turns away blindly, feeling like a coward, but knowing that he cannot do this, cannot be the one to tear Jay’s world apart. He sees Zayn end the call, and then make another one, and knows that Zayn is calling his own mother now. She is in Chicago, he knows she won’t be able to get there soon, and all of a sudden, he feels like a lost 10 year old again, longing for his mother to come and just fix this, make it better, knowing even in that longing that it is futile, that nothing can fix this now.

Zayn comes back, and roughly swipes his sleeve across his eyes, his voice hoarse. “I, um.” He clears his throat. “I talked to Dan and Jay, she’s leaving now, should be here in a couple of hours, there’s no traffic at this time of night.” With a shock, Harry realizes that it is past 8:00, and that Louis has been in surgery for hours now. “And, um, Anne will get the first flight out tomorrow, Haz, she’ll come straight here unless you text her different.” He struggles to maintain himself, and hands Harry back his phone, which is already lighting up with texts. 

Harry can’t find the words, and hopes that Zayn will understand what he means when he just says, “Thank you, Z, so much.” He closes his eyes briefly, and when he opens them, a doctor is walking down the hall towards them. The doc looks around at the different groups in the waiting area, and then spotting Harry in his scrubs, walks over. 

“Mr. Styles?”

_Oh god._ Harry feels as if his heart is about to split in two in his chest. Is this the moment? Where he is going to learn that he’s lost everything? 

 

**Two Years Ago**

“Orange.” Harry’s voice was flat. “You want to paint the living room orange?”

They were two weeks into life in their new condo, their first home purchased together. To be honest, it had freaked Harry out a bit - signing away his life. It was one thing renting an apartment together, and even that had been a big step. But this, this was so much more. This was mortgage payments, and equity. This was permanence. Long-term. Not to mention, moving away from Davis Square, his home in Somerville for the last 4 years. Okay, so they’d only moved 2 miles, into Union Square. And he absolutely loved their condo, on a quiet side street but walking distance into the Square, with it’s vibrant Farmer’s Market, cafes and interesting restaurants, the donut shop. He loved the neighborhood. It turned out Niall lived just around the corner, and Liam and Zayn were close by too, in Porter Square. This was what he wanted, but it was still…a bit overwhelming.

Louis, unaware of the direction of Harry’s thoughts, continued enthusiastically, “Yeah! I think it’ll be awesome! Like, so vibrant and energizing!”

Harry stared at him in confusion. “What? No! Who the hell wants an energized living room? No, it’s gotta be soothing, and calm, like, a French Blue or something!”

Louis’s eyes narrowed as he scoffed, “French Blue? What even is that?!” and the fight devolved from there.

Three days later, Harry was sound asleep on the couch when he was suddenly awakened by an armful of sad boy, as Louis grabbed him, whispering, “I’m so so sorry, Haz, I’ve been such a dick. I mean, you’ve been kind of an ass too, but…”

“That’s a shit apology,” Harry muttered as he tried to wake his brain up. They’d gone from shouting at each other to an icy silence, barely interacting except to say excuse me, when they passed each other in the kitchen. Harry’d picked up a couple of extra shifts and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. He and Louis had never had that kind of a blowout before.

“I don’t care what color the living room is, let’s do it that Finnish Blue you liked.”  


“French,” Harry choked out, feeling his heart lighten in relief, _they were going to be okay_ , “It’s *French* Blue, you tosser!”

“French, Finnish, whatever, I know it’ll be perfect.” Louis sat up, resting his weight heavily on Harry’s thighs. “I think I just…kinda freaked out. I mean, moving, buying a place together, like, it’s just *huge* Harry. I just got scared, I think.”  
  
Harry exhaled, and pulled Louis’s hand up to his mouth to give his knuckles an affectionate kiss. “Me too, I think. I mean, I know we lived together for a year, but, yeah…” his voice trailed off, as he looked more closely at Louis, noting the messy hair and the deep circles under his eyes, “Jesus, Lou, you look like shit, have you slept at all?”

Louis avoided his gaze as he murmured, “Uh, yeah. Not so much. All of a sudden it just hit me, like, what if I lost you? That would be…that would be the worst, Harry. I love you so much.”

Harry felt his heart expand. He and Louis had been firmly committed to each other almost from the start, had said _I love you_ within months of meeting, and talked about the future all the time, but only as a _some day_ …

“Louis, you won’t lose me. Not ever. I l love you, and if I’ve ever given you any reason to doubt that…” His voice trailed off, as Louis shook his head. “I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Louis finally looked up and his smile was blinding. “Me too, Harry, I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”Their eyes were damp as they took each other in, and after a moment, Louis broke the silence. “So, the rest of your life huh? What exactly does that mean?”

Harry grinned, and squeezed Louis’s hand. “I think that means you have to marry me.”

 

**Present Day**

Harry can barely hear the surgeon’s voice over the ringing in his ears and the black spots crowding his vision. 

“Mr. Styles, just…I need you to take a deep breath.” A firm hand press Harry’s head between his knees and Liam’s voice carefully coaches him to breath until he can sit up again.

The surgeon looks serious. “I’ve got good news and bad news, Mr. Styles.” Harry gulps and nods.

“Please, just Harry.”

“Okay, Harry. So, the good news is, your boyfriend is alive. I’ll be honest, it was touch and go there, even after we got him back in the ER.” Harry blanches at this, and remembers the nurse’s assessment, that this woman is “a dick, but brilliant.” He gives a jerky nod for her to continue. “We had to give him over 2.5 liters of blood.” _Oh god_ , Harry thinks as he calculates just how close he’d come to losing Louis forever. “And,” here the surgeon looks away for a moment, and tightens her jaw. “The damage to his lower left leg was…catastrophic. We weren’t…” her voice pauses and she continues, “We weren’t able to save it, though we were able to save his knee.”

Her voice echoes in his ears as Harry stares blankly ahead. _Not able to save it…not able to save it…not able to save it…_ What is that going to mean for Louis? For them?

Niall’s voice breaks through his thoughts, “But, he’s alive. He’s going to live?”

The surgeon sighs, and Harry suddenly notices how young she actually is. “You know I can’t guarantee that. But…” Her eyes fix on Harry again, “He’s strong, he’s a fighter, you can tell. It looks like he has a lot to fight for. I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be a long road back, and he’s going to need a lot of help, but…barring anything going really wrong,” Unspoken is the knowledge they all share, that things can, and do, go wrong all the time, “Yes, I think his odds are good.”

Harry exhales on a sob of relief, and turns suddenly, burying his face in Liam’s shoulder, who moves immediately to hold him close. 

Zayn asks, “So, what happens now?”

Dr. Eckles rolls her shoulders, and Harry realizes that she’s just spent 6 hours in surgery. “He’s going to ICU, and once he’s settled down again, we’ll get the Amputation Team in. They’re excellent, and their surgeons will assess if further surgery is needed. Then, healing, rehab, physical therapy. There’s been some amazing progress in prosthetics after the bombing,” her face twists in a grimace and Harry’s stomach roils at the words ringing in his ears, _surgery…rehab….prosthetics…_

Harry drops his face into his hands, suddenly exhausted. He feels Dr. Eckles press a hand into his shoulder as she turns to move away. “Harry, he’s alive, he’s got a decent chance here, don’t despair.” 

As Harry breaths in deeply, attempting to adjust to his new reality, he clings to the simple fact, _he’s alive. He’s alive. ALIVE._

 

**One Year Ago**

Harry dropped his keys into the bowl by the front door, and stumbled into the apartment, exhausted. It had been a brutal day at work, all 18 hours of it, and he just wanted a shower, a beer, and a snuggle with his best guy. When he made his way into the apartment, he found Louis curled up on the couch, who looked up with a smile as Harry came in.

“Haz!” Louis reached out with grabby hands towards Harry, but he just shook his head and said, “Ugh, I’m filthy, need a shower.”

Louis dropped his hands and a look of disappointment skittered across his face, but he only nodded and said, “Okay. You look tired, love.” Harry gave him a quick smile as he headed towards the bathroom, stripping off his clothes as he went. 

“Oh god, it was just brutal. I think it was cardiac arrest Sunday or something. I did get to do stitches on this adorable little girl though, she kept saying, ‘I have to have ‘titches, you have to be tareful with me.” He laughed as he made his way into the shower. 

As the water poured down over him, he leaned his head against the wall. He heard the shower curtain pull back, and then smiled without opening his eyes, as he felt Louis press up against him. 

“You gonna be up for the thing at Zayn and Liam’s tonight?” The “thing” being a small, impromptu gathering to celebrate them setting a wedding date. Harry groaned, he’d forgotten all about it. He felt like crying at the thought of how tired he was, and how much of the night would be spent fending off the comments of “thought it would be you and Louis first” or “you’re next, right, Harry?”

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to marry Louis, he did. While they had both stated their intention to spend the rest of their lives together, Harry had been adamant that he wanted to propose, and that he wasn’t quite ready yet. Having seen his mother through two divorces, he found the whole prospect a bit intimidating, if he was being honest, and also…well, he really wanted to do it right, in a spectacular way. Louis deserved all that, and more. He’d been turning a plan around his mind, but it was going to take more money than he had at the moment. He pictured [**the ring**](http://www.bluenile.com/colin-cowie-infinity-black-rhodium-diamond-ring-platinum_54254?elem=img&track=product), he already knew exactly what he wanted Louis to have. He could clearly see in his mind’s eye a sun-drenched afternoon in Sonoma, wine country, where Louis had been saying for years that he’d always wanted to go. Maybe a hot air balloon ride? Okay, he hadn’t worked out all the details, but it was gonna be awesome.

But before he could get there, he was going to have to figure out a way to finance it, and that was going to mean working more. He shook his head as he felt Louis grab the scrubby, drench it in shower gel and start slowly scrubbing his back. He groaned, as Louis began working that one spot under his right shoulder blade that seemed to be constantly knotted up these days. He felt Louis’s breath ghost over the nape of his neck, and without saying anything, reached around to pull him closer. 

“Yeah,” he whispered, “I’ll be up for it, just let me get some coffee.” 

The party was pretty much what Harry expected. He got all the comments he’d thought would come his way, and couldn’t help the small flare of resentment. Why was there so much pressure? He knew he and Louis were forever, there was no reason to rush, it wasn’t like either of them were going anywhere. They didn’t need any piece of paper from City Hall to define their love, damnit! But then, Liam, with a shy smile, carefully tapped his spoon to his glass to get everyone’s attention. 

“Thank you, all, so much for coming and celebrating with us. It means so much to me and Zayn, to have you all in our lives, and we cannot wait for all of you to come celebrate with us in a year and a half, when Zayn makes me the happiest man in the world!” The smile on Zayn and Liam’s faces cuts through the fog in Harry’s mind and his breath catches as he looks over at Louis, smiling at them both with his deepest, crinkly-eyed smile. _Oh_ Harry thinks, that’s right. That’s why. When Louis turned that smile to Harry, Harry felt his own face dimpling in response, as they take a moment to really look at each other. _Oh yeah,_ Harry thought, _I am definitely gonna do this right._

 

**6 Months Ago**

Harry could not believe that they were arguing again. Why couldn’t Louis understand? It wasn't like he wanted to be working this much, but he was socking away every penny to pay off the ring that was currently sitting in his sock drawer, and to make payments towards the vacation he had all planned for them for that Thanksgiving. He was going all out, and it was aggravating that his boyfriend couldn’t seem to cut him some fucking slack. Somehow, Harry didn’t seem to remember that he hadn’t, in fact, told Louis all, or even any, of his fancy plans, and couldn't quite see it from Louis’s point of view. 

“We haven’t had a weekend together in *6 months* Harry, and now you’re telling me you’re working again? What the hell is going on?!”

Harry sighed, his tone sharp as he answered, “I told, we had three different PAs quit, we’re totally short staffed, and if I’m gunning for that promotion so I can get onto days, I need to step up! It’s not like I want to be working this much!” His voice softened, “I miss you too, babe. I know I’m not a lot of fun right now, but I promise you, it’s all worth it, okay?”

Louis rolled his eyes, looking skeptical, and his tone was sharp as he muttered, “Fine.” And walked away.

 

**Present Day**

About a half hour later, a nurse comes to let them know that Louis has been moved to his ICU bed. Knowing that Jay is on her way, Zayn and Liam let Harry know that they’re going to head home, but they’ll be back first thing in the morning. Harry clings to them briefly, and eyes are damp all around as he watches them walk away. Niall slings an arm around him, and they walk down the hallway. Harry looks through the window at Louis lying so small and still, hooked up to machine after machine. His eyes drift to the spot where his leg ends, and he feels the bile rise in his throat. He chokes suddenly, and Niall just squeezes him tighter, seeming to understand without Harry saying a word.

“I know,” Niall murmurs, “but remember, he’s still your Lou, Harry, that’s not changed.”

“I know,” Harry breathes, “But…Jesus, Niall. I can’t even think. This is, this is going to change everything, isn’t it?”

All Niall can do is shrug helplessly and say, “I don’t know, Haz. I guess we’re just gonna…have to wait and see.”

Jay arrives, and it’s as awful as Harry anticipated. She is weeping silently as she takes in the sight of her first-born in the hospital bed, and holds on to Harry for dear life as he tries to explain the circumstances, and stares at him in horror when he describes figuring out that it was Louis.

“Oh Harry.” Her voice breaks and she reaches up to touch his face. “Oh sweetie, that must have been…terrifying.” 

Harry gulps, and reminds himself that he needs to be strong here for her. “Yeah, it was.” He stops, because really, there aren’t any words to describe the absolute devastation and horror of that moment. He understands now, as he never truly did before, the concept of _before_ and _after_ , knows now that that moment in the ER will be the line for him separating his past self from this new reality, whatever it may hold for him and Louis.

Jay encourages Harry to go home and get some rest, and he reluctantly agrees when she gowns up and says to him, “I won’t leave his side, Harry. He’s stable, his vitals look good. If anything changes, I’ll call you, the least little thing. I promise. But you’ve got to get some sleep, sweetie.”

Niall gets him home, holds him through the weeping when Harry enters their condo and realizes that Louis isn’t there, won’t be there for god knows how long, and that everything, everything is different now. Tears running down his own face, Niall makes him some soup, wrestles him into the shower, and then pushes him into bed, climbing in next to him when Harry whispers brokenly, “What am I going to do, Ni?”

The next morning, Harry takes a deep breath. He sends Niall off to his own bed, assuring him that he’ll be okay. Niall leaves reluctantly, making Harry promise to text him ASAP if he needs him. “You’re not alone in this, Harry. We’re all here for you.” Harry hugs him, allowing himself to lean for a moment on the comfort of one of his dearest friends, and simply nods, swallowing thickly.

Then, he gets to work. First, he calls Louis’s work and lets them know what has happened. He’s been working at the LGBT Youth Commission, and they are devastated to hear the news. Harry knows that this also throws a whole bunch of work on them, as Louis had been working both as an event coordinator and as a therapist. Harry tries to spare a thought for these poor kids, but Jenn, Louis’s supervisor, assures him that she will personally take his cases, and not to worry about it. He then texts his mom to figure out her ETA, and tells her to meet him at the hospital. She lets him know that she’ll be renting a car, and she’ll go by his apartment first, and then make her way to MGH. : **Don’t worry about me** she texts, **just go see him, let me know how he is**.

Jay has texted him several updates, and Harry is more relieved than he can possibly say that Louis has remained stable through the night. He lets her know he’s on his way, and stumbles out the door. While he usually takes the bus and T to work, he opts to drive today, realizing sadly that he’ll be able to get his parking validated as he won’t be there as an employee. He makes a mental note to touch base with his supervisor to figure out how he’s going to handle this. Shaking his head, he grabs a small notebook and pen, to start writing down all the things he’s going to need to take care.

Harry makes his way down the ICU hallway, his heart pounding in trepidation. Jay mentioned that Louis still wasn’t awake, which wasn’t surprising, given the trauma he’d experienced. He peeks through the window, and feels his vision blur as he watches Jay sitting next to the bed, holding Louis’s hand, murmuring softly. He taps gently on the window, and she comes to the door. 

“I think he’s starting to wake up. Did they tell you what to expect?”  
  
Harry nods, “Yes, that he’ll be drifting in and out for a while, he won’t remember any of this most likely, he may be really disoriented and confused.” His voice trails off, as it’s hard to imagine his Louis, one of the sharpest wits he’s ever encountered, so confused, but, reminds himself, they’re in uncharted territory now.

Jay hugs him, and shows him where to suit up, so they can change places. She’s decided to get a hotel room near the hospital for the next few days, until they have a better sense of how this is all going to play out, and is going to go get some food and rest before coming back for the afternoon.

Harry takes Jay’s place by Louis’s side, and picks up his hand. Seeing Louis like this, so pale and motionless, Harry is struck again by the profound unfairness of it all. He wants to scream, to shout, to rage to the heavens that this is so wrong, that someone who burns as brightly as Louis should never be so still. 

Over the next couple of days, Harry feels like he’s just sitting in limbo. All the doctors seem happy with his condition, and he starts to stir more. There are moments where he opens his eyes, but he’s still very out of it until 3 days after the accident. Jay is with him, as Harry and his mom are around the corner getting some lunch. They’ve worked out a bit of routine, trading off sitting at Louis’s side as long as they’re allowed, so that he’s never alone. Zayn and Liam trade off evenings, and Niall comes up whenever he has a moment. Harry’d managed to get 2 weeks of compassionate leave, and human resources has given him some information on FMLA, but because he and Louis aren’t married, he may not be approved for that. Harry has some ideas about that, but he just needs Louis to *wake the fuck up* first. 

He and his mom are talking about the menu when his phone buzzes in his pocket. **He’s waking up, Harry, I think you should get back here.**

Harry pales, and stares at the phone, then at his mom, his heart racing. She grins and squeezes him and says, “GO, Harry! I’ll settle up here!” and laughs as he races back to the hospital. 

When he gets to the room, there’s a crowd of medical officials around the bed, and Jay is standing off to the side, arms wrapped around herself, weeping. When she sees Harry hovering in the door, she stumbles towards him, and wraps her arms around it. For a brief moment, Harry is terrified, but then gets a look at her shining face. She holds him for a moment, and whispers, “He’s awake, Harry. Oh thank god,” and they’re crying together. “They’re taking him off the respirator now that he seems finally to be awake.”

The medical folks start drifting out of the room and Harry hears one of the nurses saying to another, “Thank god for that, huh?” and Harry moves carefully to the side of the bed. Louis is lying there, looking overwhelmed, and when he sees Harry, his face just crumbles, and Harry flings himself down to hold him, ignoring the various tubes, wires, and pieces of equipment.

Overwhelmed himself, Harry just holds onto Louis, mindful of his leg, and whispers over and over again, “Lou. Lou. Lou.”

The next several days are difficult as Louis begins to adjust to what has happened to him. Harry has always known that Louis had more strength of will in his little finger than most people have in the entire souls, but to see it in action is both humbling and awe-inspiring. That’s not to say that Louis doesn’t have moments of rage, or profound grief. The hospital social worker makes a regular appearance, and both Harry and Louis become even more well-acquainted with the language of trauma and loss. Harry watches Louis struggle to comprehend the ways his life has changed, and it’s so hard sometimes, but Louis applies that same incredible dedication to the healing of others to himself. 

It becomes clear though, that things are going to have to change for them. Louis is healing well from his surgery, and the next step will be a transfer to Spaulding Rehab Hospital, where he’ll continue to heal, work on his physical recovery, and be fitted for the prosthetic. Harry continues to be thankful that they bought the first floor condo, and has already talked to the neighbors about putting in a wheelchair ramp. Louis will definitely be out of work for a few months, and Harry knows he’s not sure what capacity he’ll be in when he returns, though the LGBTYC has guaranteed him a job when he’s back on his feet.

Perhaps, though, the biggest change is between Harry and Louis. Once Louis was finally awake, he and Harry had a long over-due conversation about their relationship, and what had been going for the last year. Harry confessed that he’d been working so much overtime because he’d been planning their trip, which sadly, had to be postponed, “But not cancelled, Lou, we’re going to get there, I promise.” Harry hasn’t, however, been completely open about the reason for the trip. He has a feeling Louis knows what he’d been planning, but they haven’t really talked much about it. 

Harry is planning to change that today. 

Louis is set to be discharged in two days over to Spaulding (which Harry is selfishly very glad about because it is so much closer to home, and much easier for him to get to). Jay left last night, amidst tearful hugs and goodbyes. She had promised that she would be back regularly, but the kids and Dan needed her at home as well. Anne had flown home a few days ago, but already had her next trip booked for a couple of weeks from now, and Harry hopes to get Louis to agree to his plan.

Harry knocks gently on the door and opens it after Louis calls, “C’mon in!”

“Hey baby!” He walks over to where Louis is sitting up in the bed, and kisses him gently. Louis gives him a funny look. 

“You okay, Haz? You look…I don’t know, a little flushed or something.”

Harry just smiles, his heart pounding, as he sets down the bag he is holding. Louis looks at him curiously, and then Harry steps back, takes a deep breath, and drops down to one knee.

Louis’s eyes widen, and he opens his mouth to speak, but Harry holds up one hand. 

“Just, let me, okay?” Louis nods, his eyes suspiciously bright, and one hand rises to cover his mouth as he watches Harry.

“Louis, I know the last year has been kind of tough on us, and these last couple of weeks,” Harry’s voice breaks and he clears his throat, “Obviously, they’ve been awful. But they’ve also showed with me absolute clarity what is important to me. I think I fell in love with you the moment I ran into you so many years ago, and I haven’t stopped falling since. I can barely remember my life before you, and I sure as hell hope I never have to learn to live a life after you.” His eyes fill and he shudders as he remembers how close he came to that. 

“Louis, you are the love of my life. I want it all with you, baby. I want our home, I want bickering over wall colors, scandalizing the neighbors with our antics. I want a dog or a cat, I want our children, but most of all, I just want you. I love you so much and, if you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you just how much. Please, Louis,” and here, Harry reaches into his pocket and pulls out the black velvet box. He flips it open, holds the ring up, and continues, “Louis William Tomlinson, will you make me the happiest man in the world? Will you marry me?”

Louis, clearly overwhelmed, is silent for a moment, and then, gasping on a sob, “Oh my god, Harry. Of course, yes, of course I will.” They fall together, crying, and then Harry slips the ring on Louis’s finger. 

Word gets out, and every nurse who works in the ICU develops a sudden need to come by the room to check on Louis, and each and every single one ends up cooing over the ring, and crying a bit at the romance of it all.  Later that afternoon, when they’ve taken pictures and texted all their friends, Louis and Harry are cuddled up on the bed.  Louis looks down at the ring, and then looks at Harry. “Why do I feel like you’ve got something else up your sleeve? You’ve got that plotting look on your face, Harry Styles. You think I don’t recognize that?”

Harry grins sheepishly. “Well, I did have one other thing I was thinking about…”

Louis rolls his eyes fondly, and cuddles in more closely to Harry. “Spit it out…fiancé.”

“Well, I was thinking. Maybe…” he takes a deep breath and then just says it. “Iwasthinkingwecouldgetmarriedrightaway.”

“What? Haz, I didn’t understand a word you just said. Slow it down, baby.” The irony of Louis having to tell Harry to slow down is not lost on either of them, and they both snicker for a moment.

“I was thinking,” Harry says, exaggeratedly slowing his words, “We could get married soon. Like, right away?”

Louis stares at him, and then asks softly, “Why? What’s the hurry?”

Harry shrugs, and his eyes fill as he tries to tell Louis, “Baby, when I saw you in the ER,” Louis’s eyes widen, and Harry realizes that in the chaos of the last few weeks, he’s never actually told Louis how he got the news of the accident, “it just made me realize that all of that stuff, the trip, the fancy ring,” 

“Much as I love it!” Louis interjects, and Harry picks up his hand and kisses his finger where the ring sits proudly, and continues.

“I just, it made me realize, that’s not what’s important. I know I said I didn’t need a piece of paper, but you’re my family, Lou.” His eyes entreat Louis to understand. “What if they hadn’t let me be with you? I want you to be mine, and I want to be yours, in every way, and the idea of saying that to each other, in front of the people we love, that we choose each other, every day, that we’re family…I want that, Lou. I almost lost you, and I just…I can’t bear thinking about it.” He gasps on a sob, and Louis winds his arms around Harry, and Harry can almost hear the weight of his thoughts. “What do you say, baby? Will you marry me next week?”

“Harry…” Louis’s voice trails off as he tries to collect his thoughts. Then he says, softly, “No.”

Harry pulls back in shock, his heart thundering in his ears as he tries to process what he’s just heard. 

“No, Harry, baby, no, just listen to me! I want to marry you, and yeah, I’d love to marry you tomorrow! But…here’s the thing. We shouldn’t get married *now* because you’re afraid of losing me. That’s not what I want the start of our married life to be!” Louis sits up and speaks more strongly, his words tripping out over one another.

“Harry, I’m not even out of the hospital yet. I’ve got weeks and weeks of rehab, and then, who even knows. I want our marriage to start with joy, and certainty, and excitement for our life together, not because we’re terrified and, honestly, still traumatized. Your proposal was perfect, the most beautiful proposal I could imagine. But Harry…” Louis’s voice trails off and he gazes off into the distance for a moment, and then smiles so brilliantly at Harry that Harry is helpless to do anything but smile back. “Harry, I want to be standing on my own two feet, or,” he snorts suddenly, “On my own foot and my super-bionic robot foot. And I want to watch you see me for the first time as I walk down the aisle to you, in front of all of our friends and a family, to start our life together. That’s what I want, and maybe it’s selfish,” here Harry shakes his head violently, his own eyes filling as he pictures the vision Louis describes, “But I want that, so much. That moment, picturing that, it’s already kept me going, baby, and I just, will you wait for me? It’s gonna take me a bit of time to get there.”

Harry looks at Louis’s shining eyes, and knows he’ll wait forever to give Louis that moment.

“Yes, Lou. I’ll wait.”

 

**One Year From Now**

Harry adjusts the lapels of his tuxedo, and can’t help grinning foolishly at Zayn, who is standing next to him. There is the murmur of voices all around them as the guests settle themselves in the evening glow of the setting sun. Harry almost wants to pinch himself, looking around the immaculate grounds of the Inn at the Tides. They are standing underneath a small canopy, chairs set up to accommodate the 100 or so guests. Niall is standing behind the podium, set to perform the ceremony, and Harry knows Liam is in the Inn with Louis, waiting for the ceremony to start. The Sonoma coast is gorgeous, the crowd filled with so many who love them both dearly, and Harry cannot picture a more beautiful setting to begin the next step of his life. 

The clock strikes 5, and the string quartet begins to play. First, their parents walk down the aisle, then Louis’s sisters and brother, all beautifully dressed in coordinating outfits, make their way down the aisle, with everyone cooing over the twins sprinkling rose petals as they make their way down. Then, Liam walks slowly, first looking at his own husband, and then his eyes connect with Harry’s, and the love and joy in them takes his breath away. He feels his own eyes fill, and Zayn nudges him, and the crowd chuckles gently as Zayn hands him a handkerchief and Harry wipes his eyes.

And then, Louis. Louis appears, making his way carefully down the steps from the back of the Inn. He’d insisted that he didn’t need his cane, and Harry has learned over the past year never to underestimate him. When Louis stated he was going to to do something, Harry knew he would, by God, do it. And Louis had said he was going to walk down the aisle under his own steam. And here he is.

The rays of the setting sun light Louis up, casting a golden glow about him, which, Harry thinks, is only fitting, as Louis is the most precious person he’s ever known. Harry knows his own face is glowing, his eyes shining and his grin is stretching from ear to ear, as he watches Louis make his way down the aisle, on his own two feet (or, as Harry remembers, his own foot and his super-bionic robot foot). 

The past year has been hard, the hardest of Harry’s life. Rehab, adjusting to life as an amputee, learning to walk again with the prosthetic, these things have challenged Louis to the depths of his soul, and Harry right along with him. There have been times of anger, Louis spitting out his rage at the unfairness of it all to Harry and the universe; there have been moments of despair, Louis weeping and hopeless. But, there’ve also been moments of joy - the first time Louis had taken steps on his own. Watching Liam and Zayn exchange vows. Watching Niall fall in love with Louis’s physical therapist Carly had brought unexpected levity to the process. There has been breathless laughter and times of grief. The first time Harry and Louis had made love after Louis came home had been painful, with Louis convinced that Harry couldn’t find him attractive anymore, Harry desperate to prove him wrong.

In every aspect of their life after the accident, Harry and Louis have worked to find their way together. From figuring out Louis’s going back to work, to building the ramp to their condo, to picking out their wedding rings, their communication has never been stronger. They have hashed out the hurts of the previous year, and Harry realizes, that while he would never, ever have chosen this path, the life it has given him has surpassed all of his hopes and dreams. 

And now, here they are, on the westernmost coast of the country, about to pledge themselves and their lives to each other, in front of all of their family and friends. As Harry meets Louis at the end of the aisle, they stop, and just look at each, and the promise of the moment, of their lifetimes, glows in their eyes.

“Dearly beloved,” Niall starts, and the entire crowd laughs. “I say that deliberately, because you are, each and every one of you, so dearly beloved to Harry and Louis, and they could think of no better way to start their life as husbands with you, each and every one of you, here to support them. As everyone here knows, the last year of their lives has been…” His voice breaks and he coughs, and continues, as throughout the crowd, Harry sees eyes being wiped. 

“It’s been a difficult year, which makes the joy we feel today even stronger. Harry and Louis, and their relationship, have been tested, but just as steel is tempered by fire, so has their love only been purified and strengthened by their test.” 

Harry feels his eyes well up as he stares at Niall, overwhelmed by his words. He’d trusted Niall when he’d said that he would write something for the ceremony, too busy working on his own vows to micromanage his friend, but he’d never expected something like this.

They make their way through the ceremony that he and Louis have so carefully crafted, from the welcoming of each man to their new family, to the words of their mothers, to the carefully picked readings. As Harry listens to Liam reading from Wendell Barry’s beautiful essay “Poetry and Marriage,” he has to fight to remain composed, for the words ring so true.  

> Because the condition of marriage is worldly and its meaning communal, no one party to it can be solely in charge. What you alone think it ought to be, it is not going to be. Where you alone think you want it to go, it is not going to go. It is going where the two of you-and marriage, time, life, history, and the world-will take it. You do not know the road; you have committed your life to a way…The Zen student, the poet, the husband, the wife-none knows with certainty what he or she is staying for, but all know the likelihood that they will be staying "a while": to find out what they are staying for. And it is the faith of all these disciplines that they will not stay to find out that they should not have stayed.
> 
> That faith has nothing to do with what is usually called optimism. As the traditional marriage ceremony insists, not everything we stay to find out will make us happy. The faith, rather, is that by staying, and only by staying, we will learn something of the truth, that the truth is good to know, and that it is always both different and larger than we thought.

When it comes time to exchange vows, Harry is fairly sure there is not a dry eye in the house, especially his own. They’ve agreed to keep it fairly simply, and have followed the traditional formula for wedding vows. Harry goes first,

“Louis, my love. I take you to be my husband, and I give you, in the presence of these witnesses, my vow to stay by your side as your husband, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, through better times and worse. I will love, honor and cherish you, and I will nurture the trust, respect and joy that we share for as long as we both shall live.” 

He turns to Zayn, and accepts the ring. Sliding it onto Louis’s finger, he meets Louis’s beautiful blue eyes, and feels his own smile light up in response. They are getting married, right here, right now in this very moment. 

“Louis, with this ring I take you to be my husband, my partner, my lifelong friend. I pledge to treat you with tenderness, and to protect, aid and encourage you. Now you are my family, and where we are together, there is my home.”

As he finishes his vows, and listens to Louis make the same promises, feels the heavy weight of the ring slide onto his finger, he thinks of their life together, the past with its times of darkness, but also such joy as to break his heart wide open, joy that allows the light of love to fill him, to fill them both, until they are only joy, only light.

He hears the grin in Niall’s voice as he and Louis face each other, and lean in for their first kiss as husbands, and Niall calls out “You may kiss the groom!”


End file.
